failure to elect a human

In the light of your failure to elect a human as President of the
USA And thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the
revocation of Your independence, effective today. Her Sovereign Majesty
Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states,
commonwealths and other territories. Except Utah, which she does not fancy.

Your new prime minister (The Right Honourable Tony Blair, MP for the 97.85%
of you who Have until now been unaware that there is a world outside your
borders) will appoint a minister for America without the need for further
elections.

Congress and the Senate will be disbanded.

A questionnaire will be circulated next year to determine whether any
of you noticed. To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency,
the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:

1. You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English
Dictionary. Then look up "aluminium". Check the pronunciation guide. You
will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it. The
letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'favour' and 'neighbour',
skipping the letter 'U' is nothing more than laziness on your part.
Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the
letters. You will end your love affair with the letter 'Z' (pronounced
'zed' not ’zee’) and the suffix "ize" will be replaced by the suffix
"ise". You will learn that the suffix 'burgh is pronounced 'burra' e.g.
Edinburgh. You are welcome to respell Pittsburgh as 'Pittsberg' if you
can't cope with correct pronunciation.
Generally, you should raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. Look
up "vocabulary". Using the same twenty seven words interspersed with
filler noises such as "like" and "you know" is an unacceptable and
inefficient form of communication. Look up "interspersed". There will be
no more 'bleeps' in the Jerry Springer show. If you're not old enough to
cope with bad language then you shouldn't have chat shows. When you learn
to develop your vocabulary then you won't have to use bad language as
often.

2. There is no such thing as "US English". We will let Microsoft know
on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take
account of the reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of "-ize".

3. You should learn to distinguish the English and Australian accents. It
really isn't that hard. English accents are not limited to
Cockney, upper-class twit or Mancunian (Daphne in Frasier). You will also
have to learn how to understand regional accents - Scottish dramas such
as "Taggart" will no longer be broadcast with subtitles. While
we're talking about regions, you must learn that there is no such place
as Devonshire in England. The name of the county is "Devon". If you
persist in calling it Devonshire, all American States will become
"shires" e.g. Texasshire, Floridashire, Louisianashire.

4. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as
the good guys. Hollywood will be required to cast English actors to
play English characters. British sit-coms such as "Men Behaving Badly"
or "Red Dwarf" will not be re-cast and watered down for a
wishy-washy American audience who can't cope with the humour of occasional
political incorrectness.

5. You should relearn your original national anthem, "God Save The Queen",
but only after fully carrying out task 1. We would not want you to get
confused and give up half way through.

6. You should stop playing American "football". There is only one kind of
football. What you refer to as American "football" is not a very
good game. The 2.15% of you who are aware that there is a world outside
your borders may have noticed that no one else plays "American" football.
You will no longer be allowed to play it, and should instead play proper
football.
Initially, it would be best if you played with the girls. It is a
difficult game. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed
to play rugby (which is similar to American "football", but does not
involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar
body armour like nancies). We are hoping to get together at least a US
rugby sevens side by 2005. You should stop playing baseball. It is not
reasonable to host an event called the 'World Series' for a game which is
not played outside of America. Since only 2.15% of you are aware that there
is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. Instead of
baseball, you will be allowed to play a girls' game called "rounders" which
is baseball without fancy team strip, oversized gloves, collector cards or
hotdogs.

7. You will no longer be allowed to own or carry guns. You will no longer
be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous in public than a
vegetable peeler. Because we don't believe you are sensible enough
to handle potentially dangerous items, you will require a permit if you
wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.

8. July 4th is no longer a public holiday. November 2th will be a
new national holiday, but only in England. It will be called
"Indecisive Day".

9. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and it is for
your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we
mean. All road intersections will be replaced with roundabouts. You will
start driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same time, you
will go Metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion
tables. Roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British
sense of humour.

10. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries
are not real chips. Fries aren't even French, they are Belgian though
97.85% of you (including the guy who discovered fries while in Europe) are
not aware of a country called Belgium. Those things you insist on calling
potato chips are properly called "crisps". Real chips are thick cut and
fried in vegetable oil. The traditional accompaniment to chips is beer which
should be served warm and flat. Waitresses will be trained to be more
aggressive with customers.

11. As a sign of penance 5 grams of sea salt per cup will be added to all
tea made within the Commonwealth of Massachusetts, this quantity to be
doubled for tea made within the city of Boston itself.

12. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not
actually beer at all, it is lager. From November 1st only proper British
Bitter will be referred to as "beer", and European brews of known and
accepted provenance will be referred to as "Lager". The substances
formerly known as "American Beer" will henceforth be referred to as
"Near-Frozen Donkey Piss", with the exception of the product of the
American Budweiser company whose product will be referred to as "Weak
Near-Frozen Donkey Piss".
This will allow true Budweiser (as manufactured for the last 1000 years in
Pilsen, Czech Republic) to be sold without risk of confusion.

13. From December 1st the UK will harmonise petrol (or "Gasoline" as
you will be permitted to keep calling it until April 1st 2005) prices
with the former USA. The UK will harmonise its prices to those of the
former USA and the Former USA will, in return, adopt UK petrol prices
(roughly $6/US gallon - get used to it).

14. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns
or lawyers. The fact that you need so many lawyers shows that you're
not Adult enough to be independent. Guns should only be handled by
adults.If you're not adult enough to sort things out without suing someone
then you're not grown up enough to handle a gun.

Tax collectors from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to
ensure the acquisition of all revenues due (backdated to 1776).
Thank you for your co-operation.